Last year’s predictions column seemed to go down well, so I thought I’d do one for this year as well. Sadly with ECW and WCW done and dusted, there’s less to work with this year… so let’s see what the Crystal Ball shows me for this year…

Predictions for 2002

JANUARY

Vince McMahon pummels Ric Flair into submission at the Royal Rumble, claiming he’s the true World’s Champion after all. Flair still claims to be the man… whooo!

In his big return at the Rumble, Goldust is eliminated by Terri Runnels’ team of lawyers, in a three-man beat down. Mr. Perfect lasts for almost an hour before being eliminated because “It’s the perfect failure, baby!” Triple H wins the Rumble and sets himself up for the main event at Wrestlemania. Turns heel by telling the fans to “Shut up”

Chris Jericho beats the Rock with the help of Bossman, Booker T, Vince McMahon, 5 security guards, William Regal, a baseball bat and Nick Patrick’s fast count. The Ross Report says that Jericho is “fast becoming the strong champion we all knew he would be”.

Kevin Nash is said to be backstage at The Rumble, and is rumoured to be signing soon.

Steve Austin’s word of the month – “Where?”

FEBRUARY

Paul Heyman returns to commentary after Jerry Lawler explodes during a Valentine’s day Lingerie match between Trish Stratus and Stacy Kiebler. Jim Ross says it’s the way he would have wanted to go.

At No Way Out, Triple H beats the Undertaker to win the Hardcore Belt, emulating Chris Jericho’s achievements. He vacates the title the next night on Raw, with a returning Raven winning a 30 man battle royal to claim it. The match took 4 minutes.

Chris Jericho meanwhile, defends his belt against Maven, this time only needing a fast count, Booker T, Bossman, a pepper spray and 3 belt shots to retain his belt. The Ross Report says Jericho “Is one of the WWF’s premier heel champions of all time”

Kevin Nash is seen at New York reading a piece of paper – it’s assumed it’s a contract, and he will sign soon.

Steve Austin’s word of the month – “Why?”

MARCH

Paul Heyman vacates the colour commentary chair again, when he explodes after Rhyno is shown hosting the WWF New York party on Raw. His last words are “GORE!!! GORE!!! GORE!!!”. The WWF shockingly hire Mark Madden as his replacement.

Triple H beats Chris Jericho for the Undisputed Championship at Wrestlemania in a 5 second squash match after one kick and a pedigree. Triple H’s celebrations take up the remaining 45 minutes of the PPV, while Jericho lies in the ring. The Ross Report says “Jericho shows the heart of a champion and how much of a team player he is”.

Vince McMahon pins Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan in a special one off handicap match. Vince claims that the fans wouldn’t have settled for any less.

The Wrestlemania promo shows Diesel fighting the Undertaker at Wrestlemania 11 – a sure fire sign that Kevin Nash will sign soon.

Steve Austin’s word of the month – “When?”

APRIL

Chris Jericho returns to championship form – by reclaiming the Hardcore title from Raven. The match is an epic 10 minute struggle, eventually ended by Booker T, Bossman and William Regal holding Raven down while Jericho pinned him for a fast 2 count by Nick Patrick. The Ross Report says that Jericho “is fast becoming a key player in the WWF”

The Rock leaves the WWF for a short time to film his next movie – a remake of Sylvester Stallone’s classic “Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot”. The Rock has the lead role in the new movie, called “Stop Or The Rock Will Keep Talking”.

Mark Madden leaves the commentary chair after exploding during the above match when Booker performed the Spineroonie. Michael Cole replaces Madden.

Kevin Nash is sighted wearing black leather trousers – surely a sign he will be returning to the WWF as Diesel soon.

Steve Austin’s word of the month – “Really?”

MAY

Triple H, newly slimmed down to 215lbs, wins the Light Heavyweight Title from Tajiri on Raw, adding another belt to his haul. He vacates the title on Smackdown, back up to his usual 280lbs. He claimed carrying the extra belt around for 3 days helped him gain weight so quick…

Chris Jericho meanwhile, loses the Hardcore title to Funaki in a 3 minute squash. The Ross Report stresses how Jericho “is such a team player, he selflessly put Funaki over”.

Kevin Nash is seen purchasing a copy of Pro Wrestling Illustrated – checking out his competition for his rumoured return to the WWF.

Michael Cole, sadly, does not explode.

Steve Austin’s word of the month – “Yeah?”

JUNE

With The Rock gone, and Steve Austin concentrating on his mic work, RVD is the WWF’s top face. Insanely over with the fans, he goes up against Triple H in the main event of this month’s PPV. He lasts 8 seconds, Triple H allowing him to get one punch in before pedigreeing him. Triple H also won King Of The Ring, beating Edge, Kane and The Big Show in his three King Of The Ring matches.

Chris Jericho does not work any matches this month, instead hosting some WWF New York events. The Ross Report says that Jericho “is using his high profile to keep the WWF brand strong”

Kevin Nash is seen sleeping – rumours say that he’s getting in shape for a forthcoming ring return to the WWF.

Michael Cole has still not exploded.

Steve Austin’s word of the month – “Exactly”

JULY

Having beaten all the faces, Triple H pulls a face turn by turning on Vince McMahon. After fighting his way through William Regal, Kurt Angle, Booker T, Bossman, Nick Patrick and 20 security guard, McMahon is left laying after 3 pedigrees. Triple H is said to be thrilled at playing the face again.

Chris Jericho is not seen at WWF New York. The Ross Report says that he is “taking some well-earned time off for his hard work”.

Despite the best efforts of Jim Ross, Michael Cole has still not exploded.

At the July PPV, something astounding happens – Billy Gunn performs a move correctly.

Kevin Nash is not seen – WWF are trying to keep his rumoured return secret, it’s said.

Steve Austin’s word of the month – “Porcupine”

AUGUST

The women’s title is won by Triple H accidentally, as he referees an actual wrestling match between Jazz and Molly. Ric Flair rules that the victory stands, and Triple H becomes the first competitor to win all the WWF belts. He says on WWF.com that he’s nothing special, just works hard.

Chris Jericho returns to the spotlight – losing to James Jones, a WWF fan who won a competition to work a match at a house show near him. Jericho loses after a sleeper is applied. The Ross Report says that “Jericho’s work ethic is second to none – he’s one match away from the big time again”

Michael Cole resigns from the WWF after constant attempts to blow him up. The WWF signs Joel Gertner to replace him. He lasts just 30 seconds before being pulled off the air as the TNN censor explodes.

Kevin Nash is seen watching TV in a bar – doing research for his new gimmick for his rumoured return to the WWF.

Steve Austin’s word of the month – “Purple”

SEPTEMBER

Shockingly, Chris Jericho main events Unforgiven – a Hell In The Cell match against Triple H. The match is a one sided demolition by Triple H. Jericho gets thrown off the Cell roof four times, with Jim Ross claiming he’s never seen anything like it each time. Triple H pins him with one finger to retain the title. The Ross Report says that “Jericho showed tremendous heart in his match, and showed why he is so valuable to us in the WWF.”

The Hardy Boys finally return to WWF TV, 9 months after Jim Ross claims they weren’t in trouble, and could be back in a week. The lose their match to the team of Chuck Palumbo and Billy Gunn, and are banished back to the house show circuit. Schools all over the world show vast upturns is counselling for traumatic teenage girls.

The commentary situation is resolved, as Shawn Michaels sits at the desk. WWF fans are shocked – some of them didn’t realise he was still under contract.

Kevin Nash is said by close friends to be “strongly considering” thinking about a return to the WWF.

Steve Austin’s word of the mouth – “Frequency”

OCTOBER

Jericho is sent to Ohio Valley Wrestling. The Ross Report says that Jericho is “lending his experience to the next generation of youngster – a testament to the man”. Rumours that Jericho was teaching them how to lie down for the pinfall and maintain your credibility are, as yet, unfounded.

The Rock returns from shooting his movie, only to be turned heel, and lose to Triple H in this month’s big match. Triple H blocks the People’s Elbow by stopping the Rock from removing his elbow pad. Confused, The Rock is easily pedigreed and pinned allowing Triple H to retain… again.

Kevin Nash says he is interested in possibly returning to wrestling… maybe. Scott Hall is asked for his opinion and he says, quite tellingly, “tooshhweeeet… *hic*”.

Steve Austin’s word of the month – “Gas”

NOVEMBER

Triple H announces plans to release a CD of songs he’s wrote over the course of the year, as well as plans for a book of his life story, and a movie. He says he’d like to play himself in the flick, titled “I’m Smarter Than You”. Triple H takes on a team of 4 at Survivor Series – The Rock, Kurt Angle, Booker T & The Undertaker are his opponents. He cleanly pins each member to win the match.

The Rock is said to be happy with his role in the new Triple H movie – he’s playing TAKA Michinoku.

Chris Jericho is removed from the public eye – The Ross Report shoots down rumours that he’s being punished by stating that “he’s taking some time out to prepare himself for his new role – a key part in the WWF gameplan, for one of our key players”.

The WWF run promos for the return of Kevin Nash coming soon.

Steve Austin’s word of the month – “Camping”

DECEMBER

Christmas time is here again, and Triple H walks away with every award under the sun – wrestler of the year, match of the year, comeback of the year among the many he wins. He says he’d like to thank everyone he worked with that made it possible… but he won’t – it’s all his. He turns heel again.

Kevin Nash finally returns to WWF TV- showing up on Raw just before the PPV, which luckily enough does not have a main event yet. Nash challenges Triple H, who accepts. Nash and HHH put on a thrilling 20 minute display, culminating in Triple H pinning Nash after several attempts. Nash asks for a rematch at the Rumble and Triple H again accepts, saying it would be an honour.

Chris Jericho’s new role is revealed – he’s seen on Raw driving Kevin Nash’s limo and carrying his bags. The Ross Report says that Jericho “shows his willingness to expand his style for the benefit of the team – he’s a true class act”.

Steve Austin’s word of the month – “Antidisestablishmentarianism”

Of course, any or all of this may not happen… Until next time, have fun, go mad.

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